धंधा

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dhandha_edited

Pic Courtesy: Google Images

कह दो की ये झूट है,
वो बीती हुई शाम, तुम्हारा साथ
ना चाहते हुए भी दूरी बनाना
मन मचलना, पर कुछ ना कहना
और फ़िर, तुम्हारा उठ कर चल देना,
कहना की देर हो चली है बहुत
के घर पर काम पड़े हैं काई सारे,
कि यूँही चले आए थे तुम
अपना मन बहलाने, खुद को फुसलाने
मेरे पास
कह दो की ये झूट है

क्योंकि कैसे मान लूँ?
की जो हुआ है हमारे बीच,
वो कुछ था ही नही,
बहका सा एक कदम,
या झुंझलाहट का नाम दूं?

तुमने कहा था मुझसे,

“ये सिर्फ़ धंधा नही मेरे लिए,
ज़रूरत हो तुम मेरी…”

मुस्कुराते हुए चली आई थी
तुम्हारे साथ, तुम्हारे बातों मे भी
मुझे होश ही ना रहा
की मेरे जिस्म की कमाई से,
घर चलता है तुम्हारा
पेट पलता है तुम्हारे परिवार का!

कल सुबह बिस्तर से उठते समय
बड़े प्यार से, मेरे कानो मे कहा था तुमने
“गयी रात बेहद हसीन थी…”
तो क्या समझू मैं तुम्हारी बतो से –
तुम्हारी सोच छोटी है या मेरी औकात?

“Is it me?”

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Let’s restart what I left hanging for no future in vision (my blog!) with anger. Anger, which we all must foster to lead better lives. ❤

Loud Thoughts Voiced Out

My silence was not a sign of enjoyment. It was one of helplessness..jpg

I was at the tailor yesterday. He had to take measurements and yet again, his hands were where it shouldn’t be. They always were but with my mother not around, it was more obvious now. I walked out wondering why he felt like he could. Maybe I should’ve panicked. I should’ve screamed and said “What are you doing?” But I was silent. I had told myself it’s part of life as a woman. Maybe I look like someone he could take advantage of. Maybe it’s not his fault that he feels entitled. Maybe it’s.. me. Is it me?

I told my mother later that day, “If this man was bad at his job, he’d be in jail for molestation already.” She shrugged and told me it’s who he is. She asked me why I couldn’t find another tailor. That sounded like a normal question to which I responded that not everyone can…

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She.

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Will you break the glass?

Will you break the glass?

She is too scared of love, she believes.

She builds walls of glass around, seals it with brick and mortar. There are few places, left untouched; a see-through area to connect with the world.

There are times when people come closer to the glass, it almost feels like love.

It isn’t love, just an illusion of closeness. With time, that illusion becomes comfortable – even with a glass wall. When no one tries to break the glass, she loses interest. Well, for her it is better that way – she remains protected.

There are people constantly trying to break into her space – hitting the walls with clubs and hammer. Not everybody finds the see-through glass wall either.

She, on the other hand, doesn’t stop at one place. When she loses interest, she moves on or just stares at the walls or into oblivion. Maybe that creates anger within the people trying to get in through the glass wall – when they can’t get her attention, they scratch the glass walls. They are hurt, of course, they thought it was love.

However, they don’t know, that it is not love – they aren’t even close to her. They just see her but feel nothing!

The shrieks of nails on glass hurts her, makes her feel guilty for not letting them in…
…or at least for not telling them that unless they’re on the inner side of the glass wall, they can neither feel her nor the love.

Unless she doesn’t let them in, it is not love. It isn’t sheets of ice but glass which their love can’t thaw!

She cannot let them in.

She hasn’t loved yet.

She is too scared to love.

Are You Anticipating Someone?

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“Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible.”

~ Doris Lessing

anticipating someone

Who’s at the door?

 

The other day, I was expecting someone to be at my door to collect bills.

I had to pee, but I thought let the bills be paid and then nature’s call shall be attended to. Moreover, it makes me awkward when someone is at the door while I’m in the loo.

I waited and waited.

Only when my bladder could take no more, I took off!

When I came out of the toilet, this thought transcended upon me – that this anticipation defines the lives of every human.

Suddenly I was a new person with this brilliant knowledge!

This is what we keep doing every day, don’t we?

We expect opportunities to knock our door while we keep waiting instead of doing things which we should be doing. We keep everything on hold and wait for things to happen and while we keep anticipating, time elapses and ultimately gets wasted because we haven’t really done anything.

What we should be doing is – pee when we have to and if there is a knock on the door while we are ‘doing our thing’, rush. Things can wait sometimes. We have to juggle the priorities.

If we miss the opportunity, at least we emptied our bladder.

What if we are left with time in hand even after peeing and the opportunity still hasn’t knocked yet?

We can still anticipate, only, this time, our bladder isn’t bursting!

Hence, just keep doing things which you should be or which you have to. When the right moment arrives, you can get hold of the opportunity!

The Letter To The Unknown

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Letter to the unknown

Find me…

 

Dear Unknown,

How have you been?

This is perhaps my first attempt to reach out to you.

I never felt the need to talk to you like this before, but it seems right today.

The part of the world I live in right now is infected. Infected with hate, jealousy, darkness, evil, religious pretense and what-not. Basically, everything is wrong. Maybe, upside down. Apparently, people here do know about love, compassion, kindness, acceptance, friendships and a lot of feelings and human traits but only on paper. They read about it – talk about it over the internet – preach and make movies on it, while in reality they all are indifferent.

Maybe scared.

Some do have hope, which is a good thing. But that is one of the many flickering lights which needs to be saved.

Quite frankly, I’m afraid that very soon everything will be just darkness. Pure evil and POWERFUL – like how they show in movies. But isn’t goodness the most powerful?

I hope, the part of the Universe you belong to is a better place. If yes, do let me know how to find you. I’ll be more than glad to leave this double-faced world. I might be a bit of a surprise to you, but you see, everything here is sinking. Evil, like quicksand, is engulfing every part of the light.

I don’t know who you are or who am I even writing to.

I just write with a hope that if you exist, just find me, will you? Give me just one sign.

Show me how to find you if you want me to reach you. Of course, you can reach me by all means, I promise I’ll keep my senses open to you.

Hoping to hear from you.

A Hopeful Human.

Ambedo

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melancholy

Melancholy

11:00 am

She lay there motionless, soaking the energy from the universe. She thought she had finally learned to survive…

Her eyes met with that of a tiny lizard, it ran off few seconds later; she kept staring at nothing. From the balcony, she heard the squirrel talk and shout – the tea was getting colder – she, for once, let things happen the way they did and didn’t care at all.


 

4:00 pm

She hears the doorbell again.

Her stomach churned, yet another time. Was this him again, she feared. Will it be another war where her self-respect loses to shame and guilt? She sat there for some time – wondering if she won’t open the door, she might not have to face him at all – that he would leave.

Why would he come again after few weeks? Was it something that he left? Or was it just to scare her and assert his power once more?

I won’t let him inside my house this time – I’ll shout and create a scene, if required.

She hid her face in her palms with shame and helplessness – she knew he would overpower her this time, again. With all the courage left, she gathered herself and went to the door. It was a courier from the online shopping portal she shopped from few days ago.

Right then, she realized, how unhappy her life was.

 

Quatervois

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She quivered when she heard the doorbell. It couldn’t be him again, she dreaded.

Even the doorbell scared her now.

Crossroads

Quatervois

She rose, in hesitation, to open the door. There he was – with a smirk on his face and eyes full of everything but love.

“Why can’t you stop coming here, uninvited?”, she asked, shaking.

“I can’t keep letting you in every time. I don’t want you here – don’t you understand? Why do you even…”, before she could finish, he simply pushed the door open and dumped his bags in the corner.

“Luggage? What is that for? Are you planning to stay over?”, she shouted or that’s what she thought she did. Maybe out of fear, it seemed just like a whimper to him. He didn’t bother to respond, just like usual.

She led the trouble right into her door time and again. Why couldn’t she just stop everything, she wondered –  half determined and half scared.

She followed him into the bedroom where he was busy looking for something in his pockets. One by one, he poured out the stuff – bits of paper, gum, cigarettes, CONDOMS.